Losing
I don’t want to emote. It’s not in my nature. Pain is something that I can expertly hide, something I proudly learned from her.
I’m just really upset how things turn out fast, and how things tortured her before she bid goodbye. I can easily recall the chronology of events that lead to her death. Before her birthday last October 18, I sent her the expenses needed for my growing hogs, including the expenses for her birthday. I was thinking of a special gift for her, like having a new set of dentines (she has about only 6 teeth left). But she prefers having a checkup as she noticed something different on her body. I said yes.
On October 25, we went home for the Barangay elections. There, I saw a very significant change in her. She lost weight, eyes and skin turned yellow, and always scratching every part of her body. She’s very alive” then. She even attended to her duties for the church. She was already checked up by a doctor in the town, and just said that she has Hepathitis. But then, I was not convinced that it’s only hepathitis, so I asked them to go for further checkup (in another first-aid hospital in Baler). There, she was diagnosed with obstructive jaundice, an ailment where the bile duct was blocked and the billiary juice cannot come out from the liver, causing her yellowish eyes and skin. The cause of the blockage was not clear, but it was first suspected that it was tumour. She was then referred to any “more advanced” hospital outside the province.
As she had the spirit that she will be cured, she went to La Union for further tests. She had undergone CT scan and the result points the same findings. She was then referred to Baguio for operations.
She was only 35 kg when admitted in BGH. She have endured numerous needles (for her dextrose and amino acids). As she was already old, the insertion of the needles cannot be done in just one shot, so she have to endure pains of trial and error in the insertion. She stayed there for one whole week before being operated. She’s aching, but with her strong faith, she did not let us know what her real feelings is.
On November 23, she was operated to remove the blockage. But the doctors found out that it is already inoperable. The blockage is a cancer, an advanced type, and she might not survive the operations if the doctors continued it. The doctors put a hose connected to her liver so that the billiary juice will pass through it, and eventually go to a plastic bag where it is collected and disposed.
She was discharged one week after the operation. But the moment she had the knowledge about her condition, she tried to hide the pain inside her. Everytime I talk to her, she always smile, and desperately cracks jokes. She tells a lot of stories. But we never knew that she was already bidding goodbye by that time. And that would be our last chat.
On December 11th, my sister informed me that she needs to be rushed to a hospital – because she was already too weak. I don’t know what happened. Before that, I have talked to her and seemed okay. It was really abrupt. By that time, I was just recovering from flu. Then, on 12th December, about 3pm, my sister asked me to come, no matter what. So I and Jhen went to the bus station about 8pm and rode the first trip available. I was still in Pampanga when my sister told me that she’s gone. I tried to be calm inside the bus so that I will not make a scene. But its really difficult. My inherited talent collapsed.
